This past week I had a D&C for the second miscarriage I've had in 6 months. It is beyond heartbreaking to find out you are pregnant, feel pregnant and then lose the pregnancy. As soon as I found out I was pregnant both times I smiled inside, thinking about holding a new baby, smelling it's babyness and opening my heart again to a new life that was growing inside me. I thought about what the babies hair would look like, if he or she would resemble Abigayle, Amelia or Annabella. Both times those dreams were crushed. And now the waiting to "get back to normal".
Normal this time is going to take longer, the past 2 years normal has been breastfeeding AnnaBella to sleep, and now because of the medicine I was given for the D&C- even that piece of normal has stopped. Poor AnnaBella asks "naynay mama?" and I tell her "it's broke, it has medicine in it" and she says "let me see. . ".and pulls my shirt out and touches my bra and smiles at me.
I really don't think normal ever comes back, we just adjust to the new and it becomes normal until something comes along to change that. I remember when normal was just me- me and my selfish self up until 28 years old when God gave me Abigayle. That was a huge adjustment from normal, but it was the best adjustment ever. I know that in this life, if nothing else, I was meant to be a mom. I thank God everyday for it. If I could bottle up the emotions of being a mom and sell it, the whole world would be a much better place- because being a mom is a selfless job, you give and give until you think you can't give anymore and the more you give- the more you love. A love that is so deep and so strong it encompasses your whole soul.
Even though I never got to hold my two babies I lost this year I loved them and I know that my Grandma Miel is in Heaven rocking them and snuggling them until I get to be with them someday.
This helps me smile in light of the loss. And I know soon, my little family- Derek, Abigayle, Amelia, AnnaBella and I -will be back to normal.
