June

Have you heard it?  That awesome sauce song by Twenty One Pilots, "Stressed out"??

My name is blurryface and I  care what you think.  . .

Anyway, I'll get back to the song in a little bit.  So June is here and I have a love/ hate relationship with June. I love June for her hint of summer, teasing us with hot days and getting our summer dreaming on,  I love June for coaxing open the sleeping Rhododendrons  and breathing life into the Hydrangeas,  I  love June for the end of the school year memories and anticipation of hotter July days and nights and everything that comes with that- memories of Duck Lake channel with my mom and sisters, memories of Duck Lake channel with friends and a rope swing that entertained us for hours and memories of Duck Lake channel skinny dipping later in life- sorry mom and dad. It happens.

But then I  hate June, I hate her for bringing an end to the soccer season,  I hate her for honoring the mighty mosquito and creepy green stringy worms, I hate her for making me realize I'm closer to having one daughter graduate, one starting kindergarten and one entering middle school years,  but most of all I hate her for taking my grandma. . .

June used to be one of my favorite times with my grandma,  it meant the end of school so I could go to her house whenever I wanted,  I could go to TOPS with her on Wednesday mornings,  I  could wake up to the sound of a chainsaw and know that I could run out in the woods to find her and my grandpa cutting wood and play in the sawdust crawling with carpenter ants,  it meant running in her sprinklers, it meant eating bowls of ice cream with her,  it meant a creaky, rickety old metal fan in each of her doorways that would make me talk robot, it meant cucumbers and strawberries from the garden.  . .

Oh how I  miss all of that,  how I miss her.

The other day at work, I was walking in the hallway and stopped dead in my tracks and stood there,  I  must have looked crazy because one of our security officers said "You OK? Something wrong? " and I  said "My grandma, I  just got a big whiff of her", and he said "Oh! Maybe she's here to see you? " and I  told him that she passed away 5 years ago. He came closer,  quietly, looked at me with a tear starting in his eye and said "I lost my wife many years ago. . . I know exactly what you mean,  you stand right here and you enjoy every second of it. . ." And I  did.

Now,  the song comes into perspective, if you haven't heard,  you must.  It's the best, my favorite part? (And you have to do this in your best rapping imitation )

"Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young,
How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from,
I'd make a candle out of it if I ever found it,
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I'd probably only sell one,

It'd be to my brother, 'cause we have the same nose,
Same clothes homegrown a stone's throw from a creek we used to roam,
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered"

And it did,  for those few short moments, took me back to when nothing really mattered.

Observation 101

Yesterday my sweet AnnaBella was in rare form, starting at 0630. I walked upstairs to my bathroom after making everyone's lunches and  my coffee, to find AnnaBella-  butt naked, hands on hips, facing the toilet:

"HEY MOM!!!! I'm peeing like DAAAADDDY!!!!!". . .  let me remind you, it was 0630.

I assessed the situation before me and 1)was quite proud, she had an impeccably good aim! 2) figured at this point, me yelling would only disrupt the current, accurate, flow and send it in an unwanted direction. So, I calmly said:

"Yes. . . ..Yes you are. . . .just like your dad. . . "

Then after dropping Abigayle off at school and driving back home for round two, part duex, of "getting ready for school" AnnaBella says "Dat Abby!!! God made her sumpin' funny. . .She's a hormone!"

I rebuttled with when girls get to be Abigayle's age they get a little moody, and yes,  she HAS hormones, but she is NOT a hormone." I have to hand it to her though, it was a pretty accurate observation of the situation- HORMONES!

That afternoon when I picked her up from childcare, after a long day, she ran to me, hugged me and said  "I missed you so much, I WUVVV you!!!!"  "Awwww, mommy missed you too, I love YOU!!!!" and we walked happily to the car, waving at her friends and teachers.

Once inside the car I heard  from the back seat, in a low grumble "What da heck took you so frickin' long, woman". . . . . .uh. . .. my neck rotated 180 to look in the back seat, half expecting to see a seething, foaming, antlered beast vomiting pea soup where I had just buckled in my sweet daughter, but nope, it was still AnnaBella-

"Pardon me??" I asked

 "Nuffin! You just took a long time today!"

I apologized, we cuddled when we got home,  and then she was back to her loving self.

Later, I thought about when I was little.  I can assure you with 1,000% accuracy that I never referred to my mother as "woman". Never attempted to pee like my dad. Didn't even know what a hormone was. I did however, dance crazily like Elvis Presley for my own personal audience of one- my sweet grandma, who would encourage all craziness I could muster up at 3 and 4 years old! "You ain't nothing but a hound dog,  crying all the time.  . . "

I collected wagon's full of tent worms by digging my little hands into their webby nests in the sassafras trees and retrieving arm loads of fuzzy, wriggling, soft worms. I ate dirt tacos that I made myself with taco shells and sandbox dirt. I later learned that sandbox was just a big outdoor cat box for our Ke-Ke and Me-Me. Barf-o-rama. I think my intestinal tract is still recovering from those "tacos".

I was much less observant of the world around me than AnnaBella. She picks up on moods, mannerisms, and vocabulary (you think she referred to me as "woman" on her own accord??) Makes me want to sing a country song, you know, the one by Rodney Atkins?

"Driving through town, just my boy and me
With a Happy Meal in his booster seat knowing that he couldn't have the toy 'til his nuggets were gone. A green traffic light turned straight to red I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath. His fries went a-flying and his orange drink covered his lap. Well, then my four-year-old said a four letter word That started with "s" and I was concerned So I said, "Son, now where'd you learn to talk like that?" He said, "I've been watching you, dad. Ain't that cool?I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you.And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. We got cowboy boots and camo pants. Yeah, we're just alike. Hey, ain't we, dad?I wanna do everything you do. So I've been watching you."

Ok- so I don't have a son,  I  don't drive a truck . . .no chicken nuggets, wouldn't even think of touching camo pants .  . .but the point is the same!  As parents we need to always be cognizant of the little ears and eyes that are on us,  around us. . . Even when you don't think they're listening or watching they are! !!

And it will be repeated,  "Woman!"

My health. . .

So this week I got some not-so good news about my little kidney beans. In all fairness, it could be much worse and I am looking forward to keeping them with me as long as I can!

However, this prompted some deep reflection as to what I could have changed or did better along the way and my thoughts kept going back to my childhood. . . .

I grew up in an aluminum sided house. Yes, aluminum-AI. This straight from the CDC website:

Brain and bone disease caused by high levels of aluminum in the body have been seen in children along with kidney disease. 

Read it for yourself ---> http://www.atsdr.cdc.gov/toxprofiles/tp22-c1-b.pdf

Let's start there. I vividly remember kicking a ball at the side of our house denting it over and over - only to realize I was going to see some serious wooden spoon action if those dents were discovered. I worked for hours in the hot sun beating down that aluminum siding with my bare little hands trying to straighten out the damage I'd done, and then after no resolve made a big old bucket of mud and threw it upon the dents and moved on. . . that siding was sharp and on a good day you could pick up radio stations from Wisconsin on the North corner of the house "crcrccrrc THIS UPDATE JUST crcrcrc IN- GREEN BAY ccrcrccrcr HIGHEST TEMPERATURES IN 100 YEARS ccrcrcrr".

Fast forward to the summer of 1985 and we spent the summer pulling that aluminium siding off, breathing in the aluminum dust particles and then staining, by hand with paint rollers,  what seemed like miles and miles of cedar siding. My sisters and I would roll the stain onto our bare arms in our tank tops, let it dry and then marvel in peeling it off- who knew that wood stain contains carcinogenics, neurtoxins and high levels of VOC's? Sure was fun though peeling it off like a layer of dead skin! If I ever make my own line of spray tan, I'm going to name it "cedar siding stain" because in all actuality that was my first "fake" tan, and the color was just fabulous!

An absolute at our house growing up was, if you got sick and showed any sign of a fever, out came the rectal mercury thermometer. Well, Marci and I put an end to that when we broke the end bulb of the thermometer and played for hours on the bathroom floor with that amazing little ball of liquid metal. We could squish it in our fingers and it would go back together, it shimmered like a crystal, magic ball- and when we were done in the bathroom we carried it  out to the kitchen table and rolled it back and forth- Gosh that was fun! This just in from W.H.O.(World Health Organization) -

• Mercury may have toxic effects on the nervous, digestive and immune systems, and on lungs, kidneys, skin and eyes.
• Mercury is considered by WHO as one of the top ten chemicals or groups of chemicals of major public health concern.

SAY WHAT SAY WHAT??? Say WWWHHHOOO!

If my recollections are right, shortly after that I had a 3 week stint in the local hospital with kidney issues, the silver lining? Prior to being admitted to the hospital my mom wasn't able to take my temperature- or atleast not in the manner to which we had become accustomed!

A daily chore when I was younger was to head out to the chicken coop. I was tasked with collecting, from beneath our chickens, their eggs- yup, eggs, straight from beneath the chickens in their coop filled with chicken poop and chicken feathers without gloves and without .. .GASP!!. . .washing my hands afterwards! I'll pause a moment  here so you all can visit the CDC website and search:          

                             SALMONELLA

Or better yet, here are their recommendations on handling chickens and eggs: 

Consumers who own live poultry should take steps to protect themselves:

• Always wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water right after touching live poultry or anything in the area where these birds live and roam.
• Do not let live poultry inside the house.

Who knows how many bouts of Salmonella I may or may not have had- perhaps I've developed a tolerance?? Those eggs sure were tasty though!

Along the same chore line as the egg collection was to help my dad with the pigs. I think my older sister Marci got more exposure to this than I did,but I do remember the pig flea dip. Did you know pigs could get FLEAS?? I recall the large bucket of chemicals and I remember how it smelled. . .inhale deeply, those micro particles of  Lindane, and slowly exhale. I think the eye opener was when my dad dipped our cat in it and it convulsed and died in a rather horrifying manner within 2.5 seconds- no more inhaling the Lindane and sadly, no more Ke-Ke.

We also lived in a pretty wooded area growing up. With woods you have the almighty mosquito. We also lived literally feet from my grandparents house. On a hot summer night, when the windows were all open , we wouldn't get any sleep at our house because my grandpa's snoring next door was so loud. In fact, when my grandma sneezed in her house, we would yell "Bless you!!" from ours.  Combined we had maybe 2 acres of property? Give or take. One summer day my grandpa showed up in the yard with a backpack mosquito fogger that left an awesome, fun cloud for us to run through and play in. I could stand 2 feet from my sister and not see her within that fog cloud. It was great! His backpack was probably designed for 100 acres, but he used it all up on our 2 acres! That was the summer of no pesky mosquitoes! Looking back, it was also the summer of no butterflies, no squirrels, no ants, no bees, no birds. . .hmmph! Mild coincidence I'm sure. Those Pyrethins sure did their job!! I'm thinking if I had to take a hair drug test today, it would still show up. . . .

We also took 2 fluoride tablets daily- never missing a dose. I don't think I need to elaborate on how toxic this substance has been portrayed of recent- just keep in mind this factoid: Babies and children excrete less fluoride from their kidneys and absorb up to 80% of ingested fluoride into their bones - MY BONES, I FEAR FOR MY BONES NOW,TOO!!!

My mom also had us on a steady diet of beef liver for quite some time - organ meat, BLAHHHH!!! I wonder if eating the "filter" of an animals body could put the toxins that it was getting rid of into your body???

Fast forward to 1998 through 2001- I was temporarily , a pretty impressive "functionng alcoholic"- Those were the days! Or so I thought until I realized the damage that I may have caused my body- nursing my daily hangover with extra strength Mortin- this from the National Kidney Foundation website: NSAIDs may cause an increased risk of sudden kidney failure and even progressive kidney damage.  I wish I would have just taken the Tylenol, why didn't I just take the Tylenol??

So, as I was saying, I am thankful that I can be optimistic of the news I've received and hope for many more years with my kidneys- after all, I've become quite fond of the little guys! I've had many offers of donations this week and looking at it now I may tell my sisters "No thanks!!" because they were exposed to the same things I was (minus the chosen path of professional, functioning , alcoholic for 4 years) or better yet, I won't even need to take anyone up in their offer:)

Christmas

Remember the anticipation of Christmas when you were a child? I remember going to bed every night the week before Christmas and laying there so excited I would kick my legs under the sheets and smile ear to ear- basically the way I feel now about a good bottle of wine.

My mom use to play Bing Crosby for weeks leading up to THAT night, and occasionally throw in a tune by Gene Autry or Anne Murray. .  ."Silver bells, silver bells, It's Christmas time in the city, ring- a- ling, hear them ring, soon it will be Christmas day".

Christmas eve meant Grandma's rice krispy treats and her 500 square foot home filled with 20 plus people. (Smokers to the back of the plane, please. Ten and under, you're in the laundry room at the "card table") I don't know if the walls expanded on holidays, but her house seemed massive, with room for everyone. These are memories I will forever cherish.

And then Christmas day-  one year Marie and I both got Cabbage Patch Kids, after we opened them I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and I sat there on the bathroom floor crying because my doll was so damn ugly "Why God?? Why Me???" as I punched the fluffy bright yellow toilet cover- I was in 5th grade. I look back at that now and just laugh, but still agree- that doll was hideous. Sorry mom and dad! Little "Cecilia" was in that cabbage patch for a reason. . . . .

Fast forward 29 years and here I sit, Christmas Eve, presents all wrapped even more excited because I can't wait to see how happy my kids are going to be tomorrow morning. I think about the true meaning of Christmas -Abigayle texted me today while I was at work to remind me that the amount of gifts they get is a true and  accurate reflection of my love for them "Yes, it issssssss Madre"- and to think that  I wonder why I often question my parenting skills?

They know the real meaning of Christmas but it's so easy to get caught up in the gift giving. I would give my children everything and anything they ever wanted if I could- but the most important thing I can give them is a relationship with God.

My own relationship has been an amazing journey,  I am not perfect at all- a true work in progress. I just want to be loved and give love. God tells us the greatest of gifts is love, ICorinthians 13:13. So at Christmas and going forward I will promise myself to take love where I can get it and give it whenever I can. And continue to make wonderful memories for my girls at Christmas and always. . . .

Merry Christmas-xoxox

God help me. . . .

I have to admit, it wasn't until later in life that I began thanking God on a daily basis for everything I have. Yes, I believed in God and yes I had given my life to him but the whole concept of a true relationship with him didn't really happen until a few years ago.

In fact, I will say that I viewed people who went to church every week and proclaimed to be christians as intimidating. I felt inferior to them. In my mind, I put them on a pedestal right up there with God. And then I began my true journey and little by little I saw things in certain people that I had thought to be the epitome of christianity that  made me sad. These people  put on a "christian" mask and would then go about  their day gossiping, speaking unkind words, acting in the most selfish manners, displaying greed for their own benefit- I could go on and on.

Proverbs 15:27-33 says "A greedy man brings trouble to his family, but he who hates bribes will live. The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. The LORD is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous.  A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.  He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding. The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor."

My grandma would often tell me how evil the tongue can be, that it is like a snake and once a word leaves your mouth it is almost impossible to take back. I know many snakes, and over time have removed them from my life- how happy I have been every time I realized it's by my own willing that these people have been allowed into my life- and how easily it has been to excuse them out of my life.

I am not claiming innocence at all- on any level, but I am thankful that I no longer put anyone on a pedestal because of their claims of christianity. I have been appalled in many instances by things that have been said and actions taken by people. I've spent many hours in my mind trying to make sense of it and I've come to a conclusion- these people are not for me to judge! Many times I repeat in my head
1 Corinthians 4:5 "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God." This is so hard for me though! I struggle strongly with wanting to judge others for how they act - but then I realize I am to be judged as well.

Sometimes I wonder "How can God love these people???" And then I think of my own unconditional love for my children- they could lie to me, tell me terrible things, hurt me and I know my love would NEVER change. I just LOVE them, no matter what! Yes, they may make me sad but I would never turn my back on them. So that is how I understand God's love for all of us.  Luke 10:27 tells us  "‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself." God calls us to walk along everyone and love them. . . . Admittedly, this will be a life long struggle for me because it's so hard to love a hateful person, someone with selfish intentions, people who have no mouth filters. To them I say -your lucky God loves you- because I'm struggling with even being able to breathe the same air:)  And then I will thank God for the air!

An ode to For-tay

Yesterday was Mother's day and I spent the day at Double J water park with the women and mini-women of my family. I am not typically a water person, especially when it comes to communal bodies of water containing little children in swim diapers and middle-aged hairy men, but this was a special occasion so I partook.

I began with floating in the lazy river with my rear end marinating in the communal waters while AnnaBella rode me like a donkey - only to acknowledge me when she bounced really hard and said "giddy up dumb horse!" 

Once accustomed to the 45 degree water, I was coaxed up 6 flights of stairs by Abigayle where I had to  carry a two-man inner tube with the promise of - " I'll be good if you go down this with me one time- it's real slowwwww. . . . "

It will be fun she said, I've been down it 20 times she said. . . . . 

I was told to get in the front hole of the tube, which I did, as Abigayle hoped in the back only to ram her legs and toe nails up under my arms and back around my chest like a python preparing it's dinner- "Ready Madre????" she bellowed, and we were off.

I've never felt impending death before, until yesterday. Riding shot gun on an inner tube going mach 80 into a black plastic tube filled with water while a human boa constrictor squeezes every panicked breath out of you can bring that feeling on  rather quickly.

I'm quite certain at one point in the dark tube we were airborne, yup, pretty sure that happened because I felt the crunch of my spine on the come down-- and then daylight emerged, revealing a swirling vortex of water that took our  tube and showed it who was boss  until it slowed just enough to head towards another black hole. . . .but not quite before we had turned completely around and were headed backwards, I felt the boa constrictor tighten it's grip and say "No, NO, NOOOOO, not backwards!!!!"- dang lying boa constrictor!!- and then  we were shot like a tangled, soaked, rubber cannonball into a pool of water... .giving us each a wedgie we're still working on getting out today.

There stood my mother,  2 sisters, Amelia and AnnaBella. I made it! AnnaBella was clapping and my mom was smiling- I hadn't died! I was going to make it one more day to see the big 4-0!!! or at least I thought- Abigayle had other plans, she kept me in the tube and demanded we float down the lazy river. . .FINE!!! I was already soaked and this was the easy part. We got to the wave pool- she jumped out and said "I'm taking you to the water fall" I didn't realize by "taking me to the water fall" she meant "I'm going to hold your tube under the water fall and not let go. . . ."I kicked and swung trying to get out of that dang tube. . .  I caught glimpses of her through the down pour of water as I sputtered "I can't breathe!!!!, I cannnn't fricken breath you little. . . . "

Later, as I sat there watching other kids hold each other under the water fall I had to laugh at how I must have looked- fighting for my life in 2 feet of water sputtering and swinging, is this my life at 40? Why yes, yes  it is and I wouldn't change it for the world-

Being 40 means I don't care anymore- I don't care what other people think or say. 40 means I am beyond that. It may have took me 40 years to realize this but I finally have. I can dance crazy with my crocs on and golf shorts to my own song about shopping (thanks Marci). I can tell people I love them and not expect anything in return( thanks Abigayle, Amelia and AnnaBella). I can ask for things because the worst that can happen is that I am told no (Thanks mom). I can cry if I need to and not care if it's an inappropriate time. I can state my opinion as fact because after 40 years I've honed that opinion to perfection! I can confess my love for God and know that I am his (thanks Grandma). I can laugh inappropriately at any given time to inside jokes containing references to Billy Madison, Water Boy, Joe Dirt and many more (thanks Marie). I can drink like it's my job and make it anywhere the next day with a smile on (thanks dad) and I can forgive and know that I am important  (thanks Derek).

I can't wait to see what the next 40 years brings!!!

Precious life

This life is so short and I am quickly realizing that as my 40th birthday approaches. I look back over my life and memories from 20 years ago seem like just yesterday. So it's no surprise that an event from a year ago is still so fresh and new. There is much debate over when life truly begins, I suppose it can be a matter of opinion. And my opinion is that life begins at conception- when God gives life to something that would not otherwise grow. I suppose it would be easier if I believed different.

I lost you a year ago. I never got to hold you in my arms, but I held you with my heart. I know you knew I loved you, I know you knew I wanted you, I know this because I told you from the beginning and I know you felt it from inside.

Not one day has gone by that I didn't think about how you would have fit in to this family. I think about it in the morning when I'm getting myself and three kids ready. . . usually my thought is "imagine if there was a baby here too. . . ." I think about it when I get us all in the car, "where would I put another car seat?" I think about you when I walk past the infant room at childcare and imagine you would have been in there. Mostly though I think about you in the shower, when my mind goes blank and I'm at ease- I've held you in my mind and I've kissed you a thousand times. I comfort myself by knowing that the time just wasn't right- maybe you chose to watch over me from above rather than physically by my side.

I love you. . . .