Christmas

Remember the anticipation of Christmas when you were a child? I remember going to bed every night the week before Christmas and laying there so excited I would kick my legs under the sheets and smile ear to ear- basically the way I feel now about a good bottle of wine.

My mom use to play Bing Crosby for weeks leading up to THAT night, and occasionally throw in a tune by Gene Autry or Anne Murray. .  ."Silver bells, silver bells, It's Christmas time in the city, ring- a- ling, hear them ring, soon it will be Christmas day".

Christmas eve meant Grandma's rice krispy treats and her 500 square foot home filled with 20 plus people. (Smokers to the back of the plane, please. Ten and under, you're in the laundry room at the "card table") I don't know if the walls expanded on holidays, but her house seemed massive, with room for everyone. These are memories I will forever cherish.

And then Christmas day-  one year Marie and I both got Cabbage Patch Kids, after we opened them I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and I sat there on the bathroom floor crying because my doll was so damn ugly "Why God?? Why Me???" as I punched the fluffy bright yellow toilet cover- I was in 5th grade. I look back at that now and just laugh, but still agree- that doll was hideous. Sorry mom and dad! Little "Cecilia" was in that cabbage patch for a reason. . . . .

Fast forward 29 years and here I sit, Christmas Eve, presents all wrapped even more excited because I can't wait to see how happy my kids are going to be tomorrow morning. I think about the true meaning of Christmas -Abigayle texted me today while I was at work to remind me that the amount of gifts they get is a true and  accurate reflection of my love for them "Yes, it issssssss Madre"- and to think that  I wonder why I often question my parenting skills?

They know the real meaning of Christmas but it's so easy to get caught up in the gift giving. I would give my children everything and anything they ever wanted if I could- but the most important thing I can give them is a relationship with God.

My own relationship has been an amazing journey,  I am not perfect at all- a true work in progress. I just want to be loved and give love. God tells us the greatest of gifts is love, ICorinthians 13:13. So at Christmas and going forward I will promise myself to take love where I can get it and give it whenever I can. And continue to make wonderful memories for my girls at Christmas and always. . . .

Merry Christmas-xoxox

God help me. . . .

I have to admit, it wasn't until later in life that I began thanking God on a daily basis for everything I have. Yes, I believed in God and yes I had given my life to him but the whole concept of a true relationship with him didn't really happen until a few years ago.

In fact, I will say that I viewed people who went to church every week and proclaimed to be christians as intimidating. I felt inferior to them. In my mind, I put them on a pedestal right up there with God. And then I began my true journey and little by little I saw things in certain people that I had thought to be the epitome of christianity that  made me sad. These people  put on a "christian" mask and would then go about  their day gossiping, speaking unkind words, acting in the most selfish manners, displaying greed for their own benefit- I could go on and on.

Proverbs 15:27-33 says "A greedy man brings trouble to his family, but he who hates bribes will live. The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil. The LORD is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous.  A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.  He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding. The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor."

My grandma would often tell me how evil the tongue can be, that it is like a snake and once a word leaves your mouth it is almost impossible to take back. I know many snakes, and over time have removed them from my life- how happy I have been every time I realized it's by my own willing that these people have been allowed into my life- and how easily it has been to excuse them out of my life.

I am not claiming innocence at all- on any level, but I am thankful that I no longer put anyone on a pedestal because of their claims of christianity. I have been appalled in many instances by things that have been said and actions taken by people. I've spent many hours in my mind trying to make sense of it and I've come to a conclusion- these people are not for me to judge! Many times I repeat in my head
1 Corinthians 4:5 "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God." This is so hard for me though! I struggle strongly with wanting to judge others for how they act - but then I realize I am to be judged as well.

Sometimes I wonder "How can God love these people???" And then I think of my own unconditional love for my children- they could lie to me, tell me terrible things, hurt me and I know my love would NEVER change. I just LOVE them, no matter what! Yes, they may make me sad but I would never turn my back on them. So that is how I understand God's love for all of us.  Luke 10:27 tells us  "‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself." God calls us to walk along everyone and love them. . . . Admittedly, this will be a life long struggle for me because it's so hard to love a hateful person, someone with selfish intentions, people who have no mouth filters. To them I say -your lucky God loves you- because I'm struggling with even being able to breathe the same air:)  And then I will thank God for the air!

An ode to For-tay

Yesterday was Mother's day and I spent the day at Double J water park with the women and mini-women of my family. I am not typically a water person, especially when it comes to communal bodies of water containing little children in swim diapers and middle-aged hairy men, but this was a special occasion so I partook.

I began with floating in the lazy river with my rear end marinating in the communal waters while AnnaBella rode me like a donkey - only to acknowledge me when she bounced really hard and said "giddy up dumb horse!" 

Once accustomed to the 45 degree water, I was coaxed up 6 flights of stairs by Abigayle where I had to  carry a two-man inner tube with the promise of - " I'll be good if you go down this with me one time- it's real slowwwww. . . . "

It will be fun she said, I've been down it 20 times she said. . . . . 

I was told to get in the front hole of the tube, which I did, as Abigayle hoped in the back only to ram her legs and toe nails up under my arms and back around my chest like a python preparing it's dinner- "Ready Madre????" she bellowed, and we were off.

I've never felt impending death before, until yesterday. Riding shot gun on an inner tube going mach 80 into a black plastic tube filled with water while a human boa constrictor squeezes every panicked breath out of you can bring that feeling on  rather quickly.

I'm quite certain at one point in the dark tube we were airborne, yup, pretty sure that happened because I felt the crunch of my spine on the come down-- and then daylight emerged, revealing a swirling vortex of water that took our  tube and showed it who was boss  until it slowed just enough to head towards another black hole. . . .but not quite before we had turned completely around and were headed backwards, I felt the boa constrictor tighten it's grip and say "No, NO, NOOOOO, not backwards!!!!"- dang lying boa constrictor!!- and then  we were shot like a tangled, soaked, rubber cannonball into a pool of water... .giving us each a wedgie we're still working on getting out today.

There stood my mother,  2 sisters, Amelia and AnnaBella. I made it! AnnaBella was clapping and my mom was smiling- I hadn't died! I was going to make it one more day to see the big 4-0!!! or at least I thought- Abigayle had other plans, she kept me in the tube and demanded we float down the lazy river. . .FINE!!! I was already soaked and this was the easy part. We got to the wave pool- she jumped out and said "I'm taking you to the water fall" I didn't realize by "taking me to the water fall" she meant "I'm going to hold your tube under the water fall and not let go. . . ."I kicked and swung trying to get out of that dang tube. . .  I caught glimpses of her through the down pour of water as I sputtered "I can't breathe!!!!, I cannnn't fricken breath you little. . . . "

Later, as I sat there watching other kids hold each other under the water fall I had to laugh at how I must have looked- fighting for my life in 2 feet of water sputtering and swinging, is this my life at 40? Why yes, yes  it is and I wouldn't change it for the world-

Being 40 means I don't care anymore- I don't care what other people think or say. 40 means I am beyond that. It may have took me 40 years to realize this but I finally have. I can dance crazy with my crocs on and golf shorts to my own song about shopping (thanks Marci). I can tell people I love them and not expect anything in return( thanks Abigayle, Amelia and AnnaBella). I can ask for things because the worst that can happen is that I am told no (Thanks mom). I can cry if I need to and not care if it's an inappropriate time. I can state my opinion as fact because after 40 years I've honed that opinion to perfection! I can confess my love for God and know that I am his (thanks Grandma). I can laugh inappropriately at any given time to inside jokes containing references to Billy Madison, Water Boy, Joe Dirt and many more (thanks Marie). I can drink like it's my job and make it anywhere the next day with a smile on (thanks dad) and I can forgive and know that I am important  (thanks Derek).

I can't wait to see what the next 40 years brings!!!

Precious life

This life is so short and I am quickly realizing that as my 40th birthday approaches. I look back over my life and memories from 20 years ago seem like just yesterday. So it's no surprise that an event from a year ago is still so fresh and new. There is much debate over when life truly begins, I suppose it can be a matter of opinion. And my opinion is that life begins at conception- when God gives life to something that would not otherwise grow. I suppose it would be easier if I believed different.

I lost you a year ago. I never got to hold you in my arms, but I held you with my heart. I know you knew I loved you, I know you knew I wanted you, I know this because I told you from the beginning and I know you felt it from inside.

Not one day has gone by that I didn't think about how you would have fit in to this family. I think about it in the morning when I'm getting myself and three kids ready. . . usually my thought is "imagine if there was a baby here too. . . ." I think about it when I get us all in the car, "where would I put another car seat?" I think about you when I walk past the infant room at childcare and imagine you would have been in there. Mostly though I think about you in the shower, when my mind goes blank and I'm at ease- I've held you in my mind and I've kissed you a thousand times. I comfort myself by knowing that the time just wasn't right- maybe you chose to watch over me from above rather than physically by my side.

I love you. . . .

A farewell to 2013

Oh 2013, how happy I am to say goodbye to you and start anew. You rank right up there with the most trying of  years, yet in all  the pain and heartache you brought I was strengthened beyond all measure. I endured and grew my faith in God more than I ever imagined possible.

January rang in and with it I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life- to lay to rest my beloved Sheldon- I miss you everyday buddy. Knowing he is frolicking with a clean coat of beautiful grey hair and sitting in my grandma's lap everyday helps ease the pain.

February brought the return of unemployment to our family- just as we were getting back to a comfortable spot- This was briefly overlooked as I embraced the news of a positive pregnancy test. My hear filled with joy anticipating another little baby to have and to hold. And we had a brief visit from my mom in the midst of her travels to Arizona and California for a birthday celebration.

March broke my heart as I lost my pregnancy and never got to hold someone I already loved. 

April We made the most of things, we were able to go to Chicago for three days and visit the American Girl Doll store, eat at the Rainforest Cafe and Hard Rock. Our stay at the Omni hotel was a much needed distraction and memories were created. 

It was also  a time of healing and praying- I asked God everyday to help me be a better mother, a better wife, a better person. He spoke to me and I heard Deuteronomy 31:6: 


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake."

I also encouraged myself by looking at most every trial and tribulation with the perspective of - "when I am standing there at judgement day, is this going to matter?" 



May we celebrated with my birthday, mother's day, Abigayle's birthday and a memorial day parade- May was by far one of the best month's of the year.

June filled us with the hope of a warm lazy fun summer- with much time spent in the pool!

July started with a bang- fireworks that almost blew up our house and ended with a case of chicken pox for poor little AnnaBella. In between we were visited by a wise old owl-who hung out the whole afternoon with us by the pool watching our every move.

August we celebrated AnnaBella turning 2, a visit from Marci and another positive pregnancy test- I was so excited to find out again that I would be holding another baby!! The kids and I spent a fun 4 days at Crystal Mountain. Amelia started 3rd grade and Abigayle skipped ahead a grade to 7th! 

September we started with a labor day parade, soccer in the sand and Amelia turing 8! I also found out that I had another miscarriage and my heart broke again- This time I truly had a life changing ah-ha moment. You learn who you can turn to in times of emotional need and again I focused on God and how he would carry me through my pain. I found that when you don't expect anything from other people you are completely awed when they give of themselves.

October was trying- even in all of it's fall glory - I  mustered a happy face as I endured a D&C. We missed a field trip at school and Abigayle learned that life isn't always the way you want it to be. Many basketball games were played, and a terrible case of croup was bestowed upon AnnaBella.

November turned my husband a year older and I was gifted with  an aching ulcer.

And now December- oh how I love you December for bringing the birthday of my Jesus and reminding me that I have eternal life- as I look forward to shedding this year and getting another year closer to my eternal life I thank God for the memories, heartache and joy of that past year as they have changed me forever.

Welcome 2014. . . .I can't wait to see what you have in store for us!

Getting back to normal. . . .

What is normal? And why do we always say "When things get back to normal. . . "?

This past week I had a D&C for the second miscarriage I've had in 6 months. It is beyond heartbreaking to find out you are pregnant, feel pregnant and then lose the pregnancy. As soon as I found out I was pregnant both times I smiled inside, thinking about holding a new baby, smelling it's babyness and opening my heart again to a new life that was growing inside me. I thought about what the babies hair would look like, if he or she  would resemble Abigayle, Amelia or Annabella. Both times those dreams were crushed. And now the waiting to "get back to normal".

Normal this time is going to take longer, the past 2 years normal has been breastfeeding AnnaBella to sleep, and now because of the medicine I was given for the D&C- even that piece of normal has stopped. Poor AnnaBella asks "naynay mama?" and I tell her "it's broke, it has medicine in it" and she says "let me see. . ".and pulls my shirt out and touches my bra and smiles at me.

I really don't think normal ever comes back, we just adjust to the new and it becomes normal until something comes along to change that. I remember when normal was just me- me and my selfish self up until 28 years old when God gave me Abigayle. That was a huge adjustment from normal, but it was the best adjustment ever. I know that in this life, if nothing else, I was meant to be a mom. I thank God everyday for it. If I could bottle up the emotions of being a mom and sell it, the whole world would be a much better place- because being a mom is a selfless job, you give and give until you think you can't give anymore and the more you give- the more you love. A love that is so deep and so strong it encompasses your whole soul.

Even though I never got to hold my two babies I lost this year I loved them and I know that my Grandma Miel is in Heaven rocking them and snuggling them until I get to be with them someday.

This helps me smile in light of the loss. And I know soon, my little family- Derek, Abigayle, Amelia, AnnaBella and I -will be back to normal.

You had me at Meow. . . .

In life, the opportunities to love unconditionally are few and far between- in my experience this is a love reserved for your own children and a few others.

I have been lucky enough to have shared a deep, soul reaching love that was completely unconditional and always reciprocated with one of the softest, kindest souls for the past 19 years.

He came into my life when he was just 3 and it was instant love- He had me at Meow. He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen, with long grey fur and green eyes as big as saucers. How could I be so lucky to be getting my very own persian cat? And with a name of Sheldon Cornelius- I was and still am love struck.

Through the years he has been by my side. He has moved 7 times with me, been through 2 marriages, seen 3 children brought home from the hospital, watched me age - and here I am watching his frail body that has grown so old. His once beautiful soft long fur has now forgone grooming because it would be too strenuous on his little heart, his once wide inquisitive eyes are now glassed over and usually closed and I am so very sad because the decision has been made that tomorrow we will say good bye to this precious, precious little man. My heart hurts.

I look forward to the day when I can hold my little Sheldon again- I know when I get to Heaven he will be waiting right there for me  with my Grandma and Whitten.

I hope he knows, in his little heart and soul that he meant more to me and brought more love into my life than I could ever thank him for- I love you buddy, until we hug again. . ..