Precious life

This life is so short and I am quickly realizing that as my 40th birthday approaches. I look back over my life and memories from 20 years ago seem like just yesterday. So it's no surprise that an event from a year ago is still so fresh and new. There is much debate over when life truly begins, I suppose it can be a matter of opinion. And my opinion is that life begins at conception- when God gives life to something that would not otherwise grow. I suppose it would be easier if I believed different.

I lost you a year ago. I never got to hold you in my arms, but I held you with my heart. I know you knew I loved you, I know you knew I wanted you, I know this because I told you from the beginning and I know you felt it from inside.

Not one day has gone by that I didn't think about how you would have fit in to this family. I think about it in the morning when I'm getting myself and three kids ready. . . usually my thought is "imagine if there was a baby here too. . . ." I think about it when I get us all in the car, "where would I put another car seat?" I think about you when I walk past the infant room at childcare and imagine you would have been in there. Mostly though I think about you in the shower, when my mind goes blank and I'm at ease- I've held you in my mind and I've kissed you a thousand times. I comfort myself by knowing that the time just wasn't right- maybe you chose to watch over me from above rather than physically by my side.

I love you. . . .

A farewell to 2013

Oh 2013, how happy I am to say goodbye to you and start anew. You rank right up there with the most trying of  years, yet in all  the pain and heartache you brought I was strengthened beyond all measure. I endured and grew my faith in God more than I ever imagined possible.

January rang in and with it I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life- to lay to rest my beloved Sheldon- I miss you everyday buddy. Knowing he is frolicking with a clean coat of beautiful grey hair and sitting in my grandma's lap everyday helps ease the pain.

February brought the return of unemployment to our family- just as we were getting back to a comfortable spot- This was briefly overlooked as I embraced the news of a positive pregnancy test. My hear filled with joy anticipating another little baby to have and to hold. And we had a brief visit from my mom in the midst of her travels to Arizona and California for a birthday celebration.

March broke my heart as I lost my pregnancy and never got to hold someone I already loved. 

April We made the most of things, we were able to go to Chicago for three days and visit the American Girl Doll store, eat at the Rainforest Cafe and Hard Rock. Our stay at the Omni hotel was a much needed distraction and memories were created. 

It was also  a time of healing and praying- I asked God everyday to help me be a better mother, a better wife, a better person. He spoke to me and I heard Deuteronomy 31:6: 


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake."

I also encouraged myself by looking at most every trial and tribulation with the perspective of - "when I am standing there at judgement day, is this going to matter?" 



May we celebrated with my birthday, mother's day, Abigayle's birthday and a memorial day parade- May was by far one of the best month's of the year.

June filled us with the hope of a warm lazy fun summer- with much time spent in the pool!

July started with a bang- fireworks that almost blew up our house and ended with a case of chicken pox for poor little AnnaBella. In between we were visited by a wise old owl-who hung out the whole afternoon with us by the pool watching our every move.

August we celebrated AnnaBella turning 2, a visit from Marci and another positive pregnancy test- I was so excited to find out again that I would be holding another baby!! The kids and I spent a fun 4 days at Crystal Mountain. Amelia started 3rd grade and Abigayle skipped ahead a grade to 7th! 

September we started with a labor day parade, soccer in the sand and Amelia turing 8! I also found out that I had another miscarriage and my heart broke again- This time I truly had a life changing ah-ha moment. You learn who you can turn to in times of emotional need and again I focused on God and how he would carry me through my pain. I found that when you don't expect anything from other people you are completely awed when they give of themselves.

October was trying- even in all of it's fall glory - I  mustered a happy face as I endured a D&C. We missed a field trip at school and Abigayle learned that life isn't always the way you want it to be. Many basketball games were played, and a terrible case of croup was bestowed upon AnnaBella.

November turned my husband a year older and I was gifted with  an aching ulcer.

And now December- oh how I love you December for bringing the birthday of my Jesus and reminding me that I have eternal life- as I look forward to shedding this year and getting another year closer to my eternal life I thank God for the memories, heartache and joy of that past year as they have changed me forever.

Welcome 2014. . . .I can't wait to see what you have in store for us!

Getting back to normal. . . .

What is normal? And why do we always say "When things get back to normal. . . "?

This past week I had a D&C for the second miscarriage I've had in 6 months. It is beyond heartbreaking to find out you are pregnant, feel pregnant and then lose the pregnancy. As soon as I found out I was pregnant both times I smiled inside, thinking about holding a new baby, smelling it's babyness and opening my heart again to a new life that was growing inside me. I thought about what the babies hair would look like, if he or she  would resemble Abigayle, Amelia or Annabella. Both times those dreams were crushed. And now the waiting to "get back to normal".

Normal this time is going to take longer, the past 2 years normal has been breastfeeding AnnaBella to sleep, and now because of the medicine I was given for the D&C- even that piece of normal has stopped. Poor AnnaBella asks "naynay mama?" and I tell her "it's broke, it has medicine in it" and she says "let me see. . ".and pulls my shirt out and touches my bra and smiles at me.

I really don't think normal ever comes back, we just adjust to the new and it becomes normal until something comes along to change that. I remember when normal was just me- me and my selfish self up until 28 years old when God gave me Abigayle. That was a huge adjustment from normal, but it was the best adjustment ever. I know that in this life, if nothing else, I was meant to be a mom. I thank God everyday for it. If I could bottle up the emotions of being a mom and sell it, the whole world would be a much better place- because being a mom is a selfless job, you give and give until you think you can't give anymore and the more you give- the more you love. A love that is so deep and so strong it encompasses your whole soul.

Even though I never got to hold my two babies I lost this year I loved them and I know that my Grandma Miel is in Heaven rocking them and snuggling them until I get to be with them someday.

This helps me smile in light of the loss. And I know soon, my little family- Derek, Abigayle, Amelia, AnnaBella and I -will be back to normal.

You had me at Meow. . . .

In life, the opportunities to love unconditionally are few and far between- in my experience this is a love reserved for your own children and a few others.

I have been lucky enough to have shared a deep, soul reaching love that was completely unconditional and always reciprocated with one of the softest, kindest souls for the past 19 years.

He came into my life when he was just 3 and it was instant love- He had me at Meow. He was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen, with long grey fur and green eyes as big as saucers. How could I be so lucky to be getting my very own persian cat? And with a name of Sheldon Cornelius- I was and still am love struck.

Through the years he has been by my side. He has moved 7 times with me, been through 2 marriages, seen 3 children brought home from the hospital, watched me age - and here I am watching his frail body that has grown so old. His once beautiful soft long fur has now forgone grooming because it would be too strenuous on his little heart, his once wide inquisitive eyes are now glassed over and usually closed and I am so very sad because the decision has been made that tomorrow we will say good bye to this precious, precious little man. My heart hurts.

I look forward to the day when I can hold my little Sheldon again- I know when I get to Heaven he will be waiting right there for me  with my Grandma and Whitten.

I hope he knows, in his little heart and soul that he meant more to me and brought more love into my life than I could ever thank him for- I love you buddy, until we hug again. . ..

My amazing Amelia

There are days when something truly amazing  happens and I realize that I am not completely failing at this thing called PARENTING.

I believe my feelings of failure sprout from some evenings at home  when I feel like a broken record "Abigayle, Amelia, Annabella, please stop. . . .don't touch each other. . . no you can't call your sister a penis,  . . . . .blah,blah,blah. . . ."

Annabella can cry non-stop and no matter what I do I can't console her , Amelia can tear through a room leaving a tasmania devil like aftermath and refuse to help clean, Abigayle can rival the greatest debater alive without backing down and so I wonder. . . .am I being the mother I am suppose to be?

Well,this past Sunday we were out to eat and as we were finishing up Amelia, my little hoarder, asked if she could take the kids menu home- A food smudged piece of laminated paper with all the food choices available- corn dog, $1.99, macaroni and cheese, $2.99, chicken nuggets, $3.99. .. . .- I told her she could take it but she would have to stick it in the activity page they gave her so they wouldn't see her take it-

And then it happened, my little Amelia grabbed my arm and pulled me closer and whispered in my ear "Isn't that stealing mommy?"- My heart stopped- I could not believe what had just happened! I was telling my child to steal, and not just steal, but to HIDE it!!! What kind of mother am I???? In my mind I was letting her take something that I perceived as a cheap piece of paper that she could take home and play restaurant with- one of her favorite things to do.

I almost burst into tears, I looked right in her eyes and said "You are so right Amelia, Mommy is very sorry for saying that, Thank you for being so honest. . .let's put it back on the table" and she did with a very big SMILE.

I know that I have taught the girls all ten commandments, we talk about what is right and what is wrong, and consequences. . .I now know that they listen and as a parent I have to make sure I am not saying one thing and telling them to do another. .. . so thank you, my little Ameila Bedelia, I love you to the moon and back!

Sisterhood of the Yoga pants. . . .

For the longest time now Abigayle and Amelia have been begging, pleading, and at some points downright demanding that I buy them yoga pants. Why, I ask, must you HAVE yoga pants???

Abigayle then shares-"Everybody at school wears them!"

"I doubt it Abigayle, yoga pants aren't dress code"

"NOOOOObody knows they're yoga pants, MOM!" - (Can you hear it? The tone of her voice?)

And so I was off to the store- Younkers to be exact, to find some yoga pants for the begging chitlins.

I  found, that no yoga pant comes with a plain waistband. The choices pretty much range from neon green leopard print to purple and white skull and crossbones. . . what a fantastic selection! I opted for the least obvious grey and black animal print waistband.

At the check out I sighed, as a pleasant, nearing retirement, lady began to ring up my purchases-

"Oh, yoga pants, I LOVE these!!!" she remarked

"Really? My daughters think they are going to get away with wearing these to school as uniforms."

"Well why not?? For the most part they look like black slacks- all you have to do is pull the waistband up-"

And then it happened, this complete stranger, who I thought was wearing black dress pants, stepped to the side so I could see her full length, lifted up her sweater to reveal not 1 inch, not 2 inches, not 3 inches. . . but a good 8 inches of waistband that covered the length of her torso- right up to her bra- in the hottest pink, yellow and green polka dotted material  I had ever seen. And then she whispered "THEY never know. . . " as her eyes shifted to the ceiling with a head nod and a wink. And then briskly yanked her sweater back down.

I am to assume the "THEY" she was referring to was some sort of big brother in the sky, management, who enforced dress code rules and this defiant employee was getting away with YOGA PANTS! Imagine!!!!

So, feeling a little awkward I took my purchases said "thank you for that" and quickly excited Younkers, not to return anytime soon.

Abigayle and Amelia were absolutely thrilled with their new pants- they've wore them twice this past week and there were only 3 days of school- Amelia was a little more proud of her decorative waistband and did not try to conceal it's existence- Abigayle on the other hand tucked it down in.

The miracle of the morning. . .

I, for one, am eternally grateful for electricity which gives power to my blow dryer, my flat iron and my curling iron.

I am eternally grateful to all the little bunnies, monkeys, and gerbils that endure hours, days, even weeks of lab tests just so that I can safely apply chemicals to my face everyday and products to my skin that highlight, brighten, reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.

Every morning as I embark on Transformation Marsha - which, without the help of above mentioned items, would be entirely impossible, IMPOSSIBLE I TELL YOU! I say a little thank you for to all of them.

Just to prove my point I decided to snap a few photos this morning to document this transformation. I cringe when I think of sharing, but alas- do I really care?

I will say, after looking over these photos I would never, and I repeat, NEVER apply to be on Survivor nor any other reality show that has participants forgoing showers, grooming, blow dryers, flat irons, SOAP, make-up, tweezers or other hair removal friendly items because these things are my friends, mon amis, mis amigos!!

So, once I have showered all effort is put into blow-drying my naturally curly hair- this is a tedious process that requires a good 15 minutes and the result-- wait for it, wait for it. . . . .

BABAM!! Really people, it's quite frightening! If I were to go wake the kids up looking like this I am  absolutely, ab-so-freaking-lutley for  sure we would have an ambulance flying down our road, prepared to resuscitate 3 little chitlins- and quite possibly a husband!

A week ago at work we had spirit week- I was tempted to just blow and go on crazy hair day- but I wanted to maintain some sort of respect in my position so I decided it best to tame 'er down.

After the blow dryer is tucked away and the hot iron and curling iron are heated to a mere 425 searing  degrees and I've guzzled a full 8 ounces of coffee I can begin the real work- straightening this Afro!

I have, for the past 10 years used a pampered chef chip clip to section off my hair as I feverishly work away at bringing some sort of orderly conduct to what is taking place on top of my head. I love these chip clips! I would highly recommend them to anyone!


10 minutes later and some bit of resemblance to my daily look is forming:

Sometimes another cup of coffee is in order, or occasionally some burn relief gel as I quite frequently burn my neck,my hands, and  my forehead!

The next photo is my attempt at a morning smile- say cheese, your Afro is almost buh-bye (for today at least!)

When it's all said and done- a good hour has gone by, an hour that I will never get back- multiply that by 7 days a week that's 7 hours a week! Sheesh! However, the alternative being photo op 1- I guess that is 7 hours well spent, well spent in deed!