A mother has no privacy!

This past Sunday I realized that, as a mother, I have forgone any entitlement to privacy. Upon recollection of events, this should have came as no surprise.

I was answering a "call of nature" in the bathroom when the door knob began to wiggle feverishly, and from outside the door " mommy, let me in!"

" uh, don't think so, Amelia, mommy's busy.. . " and then nothing. I thought she had walked away when I was bolted back to reality with a thunderous banging on the door. Now, I don't think this needs to be said for all who know me, but for those of you who don't -- I am a "closet pooper" -- I have a very difficult time if someone is within 50 yards of the bathroom, I require my privacy! So this thunderous banging on the door was not conducive to my activities.

But oh no,it didn't stop there, the banging was followed by " Derek!!! can you unlock the bafroom door?Mommy's in there and won't let me in!" Good God!!! I screeched "DO NOT UNLOCK THAT DOOR!!!!" I know that the only reason Amelia wanted in at that moment was to sit on my lap and have me sing "this little piggy" which I have done,but that was when it was just the two of us home! Have you ever tried to use the bathroom with a four year old sitting on your lap? Not so productive, and I speak from experience.

So this event, made me question my privacy-- it reminded me of a morning about two months ago. I was in the shower before work, before anyone else in the house was up , eyes closed, facing the shower head thinking of everything I had to get done that day. I turned around, with my eyes still closed and then opened them to look for the shampoo-- and there stood Abigayle, my 7 year old daughter, butt- naked smiling at me, "Hi mommy." Upon recovering slightly from the massive coronary I just had, I tried to say something but waited as my heart rate lowered to a leisurely 800 beats per minute, "Abigayle, what are you doing?"

-- And hey , Abigayle you realize you just took 20 good years off mommy's life right????

The response was so sweet I couldn't help but let her stay in the shower with me -" I just wanted to be close to you.. . " So I turned back around to finish showering, thinking this really is sweet of her , until, upon my back came the lashings of "sharkie" the girls prized rubber shark tub toy. If you've never been whipped with a rubber device, I don't suggest trying it at 7:00 a.m. in the morning with wet skin. I gave in to defeat that morning and had nothing to say, except excusing myself from the lovely mother-daughter bond that just took place, dripping wet , with a heart that was now as healthy as a 200 year old oxen.

These two events along with the parading of my bras stuffed with nerf balls, the informative discussions with the ex husband about my body parts that nature has so eagerly aged, the snickering when I'm caught off guard changing, the rifling through my purse for change, the editing of my pictures on my camera (see above) .. . when does it give??? Can't I have one, just one ,trip to the bathroom in private? Or did I give that up for 18 years?

I had a thought today.. .

Do you ever have one of those moments when a thought floods your brain and you just sit, blank faced, staring while your mind rewinds a week ago, a year ago, a decade ago???...I had moment like that today and it was amazing.

I realized amidst my daily work that 4 years ago I was contemplating a divorce. I had sadly, but routinely, came across a phone bill with numbers I didn't recognize. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I started calling them and although I didn't want to hear the names of people as the voicemails picked up on the other end I listened. So- without going into more detail than needed-- I decided to file for divorce. I was petrified when I moved out of my home with a 4 year old and a 10 month old. I moved into a strange home and a strange neighborhood. The hardest part about this memory was how afraid I was at night. I developed a phobia of hallways, which was and still strikes me as bizarre. Our new home had a hallway with our three bedrooms at the end. I remember at night wishing there was a door with a lock at the beginning of the hallway. I would lay awake cringing at every sound, thinking if someone came into this home, I have no way of protecting my babies. As crazy as this was, it only got worse and I ended up going to a therapist, not only for my fears, but to help cope with the feelings of the divorce.

So a month or two into my weekly visits to the therapist, she asked if she could hypnotize me to help with my self-esteem-- I agreed. If you've never been "hypnotized" it involves alot of visualization, mine started with a flowery field, some butterflies, a stream and then --- a hallway, with alot of doors-- that's right, a hallway. I immediately opened one eye and peered over at the therapist and loudly whispered "psst.. . . do you remember my fear of hallways???" needless to say --no more hypnotizing.

I eventually got over that fear, as ridiculous as it was, but it took alot longer to feel "safe" again. I realized that it doesn't take another person in the house to make you feel safe-- it takes love, it takes kind words, it takes a mom who knows she can protect her children and that comes from GOD. I have yet to understand this amazing journey He has set for me, but I know it is only getting better and better. I know that when I am going through difficult times and I am scared and run down, I just need to have faith and trust. So my jog down memory lane today, as sad as some parts were, helped make me feel better in the end, and gave me strength to carry on.. . .