I had a thought today.. .

Do you ever have one of those moments when a thought floods your brain and you just sit, blank faced, staring while your mind rewinds a week ago, a year ago, a decade ago???...I had moment like that today and it was amazing.

I realized amidst my daily work that 4 years ago I was contemplating a divorce. I had sadly, but routinely, came across a phone bill with numbers I didn't recognize. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I started calling them and although I didn't want to hear the names of people as the voicemails picked up on the other end I listened. So- without going into more detail than needed-- I decided to file for divorce. I was petrified when I moved out of my home with a 4 year old and a 10 month old. I moved into a strange home and a strange neighborhood. The hardest part about this memory was how afraid I was at night. I developed a phobia of hallways, which was and still strikes me as bizarre. Our new home had a hallway with our three bedrooms at the end. I remember at night wishing there was a door with a lock at the beginning of the hallway. I would lay awake cringing at every sound, thinking if someone came into this home, I have no way of protecting my babies. As crazy as this was, it only got worse and I ended up going to a therapist, not only for my fears, but to help cope with the feelings of the divorce.

So a month or two into my weekly visits to the therapist, she asked if she could hypnotize me to help with my self-esteem-- I agreed. If you've never been "hypnotized" it involves alot of visualization, mine started with a flowery field, some butterflies, a stream and then --- a hallway, with alot of doors-- that's right, a hallway. I immediately opened one eye and peered over at the therapist and loudly whispered "psst.. . . do you remember my fear of hallways???" needless to say --no more hypnotizing.

I eventually got over that fear, as ridiculous as it was, but it took alot longer to feel "safe" again. I realized that it doesn't take another person in the house to make you feel safe-- it takes love, it takes kind words, it takes a mom who knows she can protect her children and that comes from GOD. I have yet to understand this amazing journey He has set for me, but I know it is only getting better and better. I know that when I am going through difficult times and I am scared and run down, I just need to have faith and trust. So my jog down memory lane today, as sad as some parts were, helped make me feel better in the end, and gave me strength to carry on.. . .