Sad. . . . .

Today is Amelia's last day of preschool. In three short months she will be in kindergarten, all day-- and it is now that I realize I have lost any opportunity to be a stay at home mom with my children, and this hurts. I wanted nothing more than that when I had Abigayle, but I put my dreams aside and continued going to work day in , day out to support my family. When Amelia came along I thought I would finally be able to be home with the girls and that thought was quickly squashed as I headed back to work 12 weeks later. Luckily I lived close to work and was able to go home at lunch to see them, but that just made me want to be home all the more, as I would leave knowing that my sister, or my mom got to be with my babies all day (to them, this may not have been the joy I saw it as!) When the girls and I moved during the divorce, I pretty much knew that I would never  be a stay at home mom, as I was now their sole provider-- and that sugar daddy I dreamt about-- he never did come along :(

So now, as I prepare to take Amelia to school, knowing that her preschool days are over I just want to cry, in fact I am-- because it's yet another milestone to growing up. So, someday I will let the girls know, that even though I wasn't able to be home with them when they were younger, my heart always was-- and if weren't for a need for food, shelter and clothing-- I would have been home, everyday!

And to all of the stay at home moms-- lucky you, I am envious.

To Abigayle

My beautiful daughter. . . .  you came into my life eight  short years ago and have forever changed me and I thank God every day for you.

I can't believe you are eight.  Sometimes when your hair is pulled back in a ponytail and you are playing,  I'll catch a glimpse of you  from when you were two  or even three and it takes my breathe away--where has time gone?

Today I was lucky enough to be able to come to school and sit with you and your friends while you ate lunch together  and then go out to recess with you, and all the while I kept thinking that someday you won't want me around, you won't want to  hold my hand in front of your friends and it saddens me-- so I am going to enjoy it while I can.

I hope you had a happy birthday baby girl--  even though birthdays are happy days, thinking about you growing up is so sad to me and I hope you will always know that no matter where life takes you, mommy will always be here waiting and more in love with you each and every day!

Happy Birthday Abigayle !

Mother's Day

With Mother's day only a day away, I felt inspired to say something about it. I was actually born on Mother's day, whether or not this was a gift to my own Mother I have never quite figured out. Imagine a day honoring you and you get to spend it cramped up, with your uterus spasming hoping to die-- sounds lovely. So into the world I came-- and have since left a trail of terror through my mother's life.

There was the time when I was five and was forced to drag my tag-a-long two year old sister, Marie, with me  out to collect chicken eggs from the coop, upon leaving the coop I instructed her to go back in and get the last one, as she did I locked the door from the outside and headed back to the house, never looking back-- This event resulted in me getting a chance to "see what it was like" as I was shut in a dark closet-- Really?? can you do that to children?

When I was about eight I patiently encouraged my mothers accordion "lessons" as a creosol fire roared through our wood burning stove -- events related? I doubt it-- However, the sounds she was making with that accordion could have drowned out the cries of a dying cat, and my sisters and I sat politely  listening for a very long time, had we said "you suck!" the chimney may have never caught fire.

The teen years were the worst...

I believe the time I ran away was ,by far, the icing on the cake. Technically, I still don't see it as "running away", I flat out asked if I could go. Being a 15 year old, I knew everything about everything and decided that even if she told me "no" I had every right to pack into a van  full of smelly hippies, drive from Michigan to Colorado and live in a shack with no running water.Ah the good life! I was gone for a few weeks. . did I once think about the years I was taking off my mom and dad's lives? Yeah right! I was having fun! Until.. . I wanted to shower, until a huge red spider slipped into my mouth in the middle of the night and sucked blood from my lip, until I realized that one can't survive on $68, until I realized my underarm hair was long enough to braid-- so I called home, and was told to get to the airport, NOW!! and so,  I flew back home, smelling like a twelve day old fart and looking like Charles Manson.

I never realized the pain I caused from that one incident until a few weeks back when my dad was retelling the story and said " Do you know how hard that was on me!!!?? I didn't sleep for days, BUT your mother did!!!" Not sure that made me feel better or worse???

Now that I am a Mother, I look back on these and several other events that I would be too embarrassed to share and think, if my  own Abigayle and Amelia even try to do some of the things that I did, I'm screwed. . .I see a lot of praying in my future!!!

So, to my Mother on Mother's day-- please forgive me for all the wonderful memories I was creating for myself and heart attacks I created for you-- LOve yOU!!!