The ham

The other day I came home for lunch and decided to put dinner in the oven for my family for that night. Derek had bought a ham a few days prior and I know how much Abigayle loves ham, so in the oven it went at 12:30. I figured by 5:30 it would be just right to eat.

I picked the girls up from my mom's on the way home from work and said "Guess what's for dinner?" from Abigayle "Ohhh, please be ham, please be ham!!!!"

Me: "It's haaaaaammmmmmmm!!!"

And then from the backseat "Ham,ham,hammmhammhahammm" Ah, the ham song!

Walking in the door, it smelled so yummy! The girls quickly set the table and I went for the oven, pulling the roasting pan out and setting it on top of the stove, holding my breath in anticipation as I lifted the lid and . . . .
What the??????, beneath the lid lay  black,charred, blown-out  remains of what was once  a ham.

 Abigayle walked over "What's wrong with it?" tears welling in her eyes.

Now, I've never claimed to be  Paula Dean or Rachel Ray, but come on! How does one  mess up a PRE-COOKED HAM??, maybe that was the problem, the pre-cooked part, maybe it didn't need to bake in a 350 degree oven for the better part of five hours, but I was not defeated, at least not yet!

I smiled, "Oh, it just looks funny, it will taste good!"

So, I started to cut, and instantly knew this was only going to get worse. Derek walked over and grabbed a piece and in his mouth it went and just as quickly, out it came. "We're not eating that."

Abigayle crying now, "I wanted haaaammmmmmmmm!"

So out  came the good old  hot dogs and white bread, and as we sat down to eat, my wonderful husband looked around "Hey Abigayle, you could have cooked this meal."


"I'm not old enough to use the microwave!!!"

Insulted,  I chimed in " You know, it doesn't really matter what we're eating, as long as we are together, and had you (you being Derek) not bought such a cheap ham, I'm sure we would be eating it right now." Ha! my only defense, the quality of the ham and the price paid for it, because  we all know it wasn't my fault it charred beyond the point of recognition.

Abigayle looked at me, then back over at the stove "That looked like the rear end of a donkey"

Really? Because I've never seen the rear end of a donkey.

And then from  Derek "Rear end of a donkey blown up like the fourth of July"

Looking at Amelia to see what kind words a  five  year old had for my attempt at a family meal and she smiled her toothy grin and  said "These hot dogs are the best!"

Amen to that!

Ahhh. . . . This time of year. .

So as the 1st of October came and passed, I thought back to my childhood and realized that my less than enthusiastic  attitude towards the hunting season is very well justified.

Bob, my dad, was an avid hunter and every year I got to look forward to the carcass of a deer hanging from a tree, not just any tree, this was the tree that the rest of the year posed as my "boyfriend", I believe my sister shared the same "boyfriend". I would go outside and strike up a conversation, wooing this attractive being and occasionally plant a big ole smoochy on him-- I distinctly remember one incident when I was in the kitchen with my mother and she looked out the window and began snickering "You better watch out, he might just kiss you back!" What the?  She looked at me and said "Your sister is  out there kissing the tree!"  why that two-timing son of a ! I ran outside and sure enough she was sitting by MY TREE!!!!!!

My poor tree, who in early fall would have Bambi strung up by his two back legs hanging upside down-- it was horrifying!

Years later, after a garage was added to our family home I was terribly surprised to open the garage door after arriving home from school to yet another deer strung up with it's innards exposed. . C'MON!!!! BOB!!!  A girl shouldn't be witness to this barbaric nonsense. For the rest of the years I lived at home, every day in the fall I  would open the garage door as if Chuckey, the Lakeshore Strangler, was going to be  hiding behind the door.

It got even better when the skinned hind quarters were brought into the house laid upon the plastic covered kitchen table and  hacked up with a handsaw, the sound of a saw going through bone was forever etched into my 5 year old mind and  the highlight, well that  was the smell.

And then for the next 6 months Millie,my mom, got to work her magic with the venison-- let's see, venison burger, venison chili, venison sausage, venison lasagna, venison spaghetti, venison tacos, venison meatballs and for a real treat venison dipped in egg, rolled in crackers and friend. . mmmmmm, tasty little morsels.

 Millie got and A+ for creativity and Bob, well he headed back out into the great outdoors for more. Which was another reason hunting season was not a happy time, Bob went AWOL for months-- and we, me, Marci, Marie and my mom were left alone.  I can say one thing for sure and that is that Millie tried to entertain the troops-- we ate dinner to the likes of the Fonz signing "Fonzie, Fonzie He's our man, if he can't do it no one can!", and ABBA, and The Bee-Gee's. She served up hamburgers laced with food coloring "mmmm, I'll take the blue one this evening, thanks mum!"

The line was eventually crossed by my cousin and soon to be brother- in -law when they  proudly displayed their "buck" to me, as if they were showing me rare diamonds and pearls.

 "Ummm, is that a dog???? "

"Do dogs have horns? Duh! You're such a girl"

"No, dogs don't have horns and neither does that. . what is it 45 pounds??? You're both DEEEEESGUSTING!!!!"

My bad. . . because when I went back outside an hour or so later my car was wrapped with intestines.

So you see, it's not that this repulsion for hunting just sprung up out of no where, it's legit!  I truly feel sorry for those deer and more so for the poor women who have to creatively come up with ways to cook the meat so it doesn't taste "gamey" and more so for the kids who have to be witness to carcases displayed like trophies.

Run Bambi, Run!!!!

A Birthday Morning. . .

I have come to realize in the past few weeks that I may be creating two monsters, my dear little Abigayle and Amelia. To some, mhm Marie, this may come as no surprise.

 It was the morning of Amelia's 5th birthday and I couldn't wait to wake her and Abigayle up with breakfast in bed. I had set my alarm early so I could get ready for work and still have time to do some birthday celebrating before getting the girls ready for school. I made "birthday toast" cut into beautiful hearts and butterflies with cookie cutters, cut up some yummy fruit, added whipped cream and put milk in sippy cups--  I lit the birthday candles on the birthday cupcakes and carried all of this into the bedroom singing "Happy Birthday"  and  was greeted with "GO AWAY!!! I'M TOO TIRED, UHHHH MOMMMMMY!!!!"

"But sweety it's your birthday, I made yummy breakfast!"

So they both sat up and looked at their tray's, Amelia squished up her face "UHHHHHH!! you cut the crust offffff??????????" then from Abigayle "You know I don't like milk in a sippy cup, I can't drink that!!!!!"

I held my breath and kept positive, after all, it was early. "Well, I can make some more and not cut the crust off? do you want juice instead?"

And from the girls "no we'll just eat the cupcakes"

So, my hard work at preparing the birthday breakfast went unnoticed and I was starting to think Unappreciated!

"How about opening some presents Amelia?"

That made her smile and after opening a few  she got to  the one gift I was most excited about I held my breath and waited for the "YES!!! I wanted this so bad, thank you Mommy!!!" 

But no, that is not what happened next. Instead her face turned red and she glared at me with beady brown eyes and from her 5 year old mouth out came "YOU weren't suppose to get me this!!!! Mama Mary is getting me this, I TOLD YOU THAT!!!!! Now I won't be happy when I open hers cause YOU already got it for me!!!!WAH!!!!!!!!!!"(fake crying)

Realllyyyy? People act like this????

Instantly I thought to myself, "I'm either going to grab each  and  every hair on my head right now and rip them out one by one in front of these little beings that certainly resemble my children but are acting afool and have drove mommy off the rails of the crazy train OR I'm going to burst into tears", fortunately, I did neither.

Abigayle quickly chimed in "I'm happy, mommy, I love the breakfast, I think these gifts are awesome, I like the toast, you look so pretty this morning!"

Ahhh, a smart one who recognizes the look of complete defeat! Thank you Abigayle for getting the  crazy train back on track!

Amelia quickly followed with "I like your hair"

She wears short shorts!

And so it happened today~ I half heartedly went to Rite-Aid in seek of Nair (yes hair removal) for my eight year old daughters legs. You see, when you have Mexican roots, your body hair is not blond and easily camouflaged, it is dark and very noticeable.

 I didn't think at eight years old though that Abigayle would notice such petty things, but alas, she did  and asked me to shave them. I declined and then my sister-thanks Marie!- suggested getting some Nair.

As soon as we got home Abigayle couldn't wait to get in the bathroom and rid herself of this excess foliage. So, we read the directions and on it went, smelling like rotten vegetation-- Who knew!

After 10 minutes we rinsed her get away sticks and viola- they emerged looking  like a squirrel with mange.

 "uh-- Abigayle, I don't think we left it on long enough"

 "yeah we did, I don't care anyway, it looks gooooood!"

So- she, who was petrified of embarrassment from natural hairy looking legs, is glorified, THRILLLED, with sparse patches of mange like looking hair sprouting from her legs--

I don't get it.

Halleluiah!! Let summer break begin!!!

One week into summer break and the payoffs are :
* The  kids have  forgone  a bath 3 days in a row

* There is no longer a mad panic to find matching socks for the kids in the morning--- ah the glory of flip flops!!

*Hot dogs on the grill have  become a nightly meal

* Vitamins with brain boosting Omega 3's???-- who needs them!!!-- it's summer let those brains turn to mush!!!

Bring on week two!!!!

Sad. . . . .

Today is Amelia's last day of preschool. In three short months she will be in kindergarten, all day-- and it is now that I realize I have lost any opportunity to be a stay at home mom with my children, and this hurts. I wanted nothing more than that when I had Abigayle, but I put my dreams aside and continued going to work day in , day out to support my family. When Amelia came along I thought I would finally be able to be home with the girls and that thought was quickly squashed as I headed back to work 12 weeks later. Luckily I lived close to work and was able to go home at lunch to see them, but that just made me want to be home all the more, as I would leave knowing that my sister, or my mom got to be with my babies all day (to them, this may not have been the joy I saw it as!) When the girls and I moved during the divorce, I pretty much knew that I would never  be a stay at home mom, as I was now their sole provider-- and that sugar daddy I dreamt about-- he never did come along :(

So now, as I prepare to take Amelia to school, knowing that her preschool days are over I just want to cry, in fact I am-- because it's yet another milestone to growing up. So, someday I will let the girls know, that even though I wasn't able to be home with them when they were younger, my heart always was-- and if weren't for a need for food, shelter and clothing-- I would have been home, everyday!

And to all of the stay at home moms-- lucky you, I am envious.

To Abigayle

My beautiful daughter. . . .  you came into my life eight  short years ago and have forever changed me and I thank God every day for you.

I can't believe you are eight.  Sometimes when your hair is pulled back in a ponytail and you are playing,  I'll catch a glimpse of you  from when you were two  or even three and it takes my breathe away--where has time gone?

Today I was lucky enough to be able to come to school and sit with you and your friends while you ate lunch together  and then go out to recess with you, and all the while I kept thinking that someday you won't want me around, you won't want to  hold my hand in front of your friends and it saddens me-- so I am going to enjoy it while I can.

I hope you had a happy birthday baby girl--  even though birthdays are happy days, thinking about you growing up is so sad to me and I hope you will always know that no matter where life takes you, mommy will always be here waiting and more in love with you each and every day!

Happy Birthday Abigayle !