A mother has no privacy!

This past Sunday I realized that, as a mother, I have forgone any entitlement to privacy. Upon recollection of events, this should have came as no surprise.

I was answering a "call of nature" in the bathroom when the door knob began to wiggle feverishly, and from outside the door " mommy, let me in!"

" uh, don't think so, Amelia, mommy's busy.. . " and then nothing. I thought she had walked away when I was bolted back to reality with a thunderous banging on the door. Now, I don't think this needs to be said for all who know me, but for those of you who don't -- I am a "closet pooper" -- I have a very difficult time if someone is within 50 yards of the bathroom, I require my privacy! So this thunderous banging on the door was not conducive to my activities.

But oh no,it didn't stop there, the banging was followed by " Derek!!! can you unlock the bafroom door?Mommy's in there and won't let me in!" Good God!!! I screeched "DO NOT UNLOCK THAT DOOR!!!!" I know that the only reason Amelia wanted in at that moment was to sit on my lap and have me sing "this little piggy" which I have done,but that was when it was just the two of us home! Have you ever tried to use the bathroom with a four year old sitting on your lap? Not so productive, and I speak from experience.

So this event, made me question my privacy-- it reminded me of a morning about two months ago. I was in the shower before work, before anyone else in the house was up , eyes closed, facing the shower head thinking of everything I had to get done that day. I turned around, with my eyes still closed and then opened them to look for the shampoo-- and there stood Abigayle, my 7 year old daughter, butt- naked smiling at me, "Hi mommy." Upon recovering slightly from the massive coronary I just had, I tried to say something but waited as my heart rate lowered to a leisurely 800 beats per minute, "Abigayle, what are you doing?"

-- And hey , Abigayle you realize you just took 20 good years off mommy's life right????

The response was so sweet I couldn't help but let her stay in the shower with me -" I just wanted to be close to you.. . " So I turned back around to finish showering, thinking this really is sweet of her , until, upon my back came the lashings of "sharkie" the girls prized rubber shark tub toy. If you've never been whipped with a rubber device, I don't suggest trying it at 7:00 a.m. in the morning with wet skin. I gave in to defeat that morning and had nothing to say, except excusing myself from the lovely mother-daughter bond that just took place, dripping wet , with a heart that was now as healthy as a 200 year old oxen.

These two events along with the parading of my bras stuffed with nerf balls, the informative discussions with the ex husband about my body parts that nature has so eagerly aged, the snickering when I'm caught off guard changing, the rifling through my purse for change, the editing of my pictures on my camera (see above) .. . when does it give??? Can't I have one, just one ,trip to the bathroom in private? Or did I give that up for 18 years?

I had a thought today.. .

Do you ever have one of those moments when a thought floods your brain and you just sit, blank faced, staring while your mind rewinds a week ago, a year ago, a decade ago???...I had moment like that today and it was amazing.

I realized amidst my daily work that 4 years ago I was contemplating a divorce. I had sadly, but routinely, came across a phone bill with numbers I didn't recognize. Being the glutton for punishment that I am, I started calling them and although I didn't want to hear the names of people as the voicemails picked up on the other end I listened. So- without going into more detail than needed-- I decided to file for divorce. I was petrified when I moved out of my home with a 4 year old and a 10 month old. I moved into a strange home and a strange neighborhood. The hardest part about this memory was how afraid I was at night. I developed a phobia of hallways, which was and still strikes me as bizarre. Our new home had a hallway with our three bedrooms at the end. I remember at night wishing there was a door with a lock at the beginning of the hallway. I would lay awake cringing at every sound, thinking if someone came into this home, I have no way of protecting my babies. As crazy as this was, it only got worse and I ended up going to a therapist, not only for my fears, but to help cope with the feelings of the divorce.

So a month or two into my weekly visits to the therapist, she asked if she could hypnotize me to help with my self-esteem-- I agreed. If you've never been "hypnotized" it involves alot of visualization, mine started with a flowery field, some butterflies, a stream and then --- a hallway, with alot of doors-- that's right, a hallway. I immediately opened one eye and peered over at the therapist and loudly whispered "psst.. . . do you remember my fear of hallways???" needless to say --no more hypnotizing.

I eventually got over that fear, as ridiculous as it was, but it took alot longer to feel "safe" again. I realized that it doesn't take another person in the house to make you feel safe-- it takes love, it takes kind words, it takes a mom who knows she can protect her children and that comes from GOD. I have yet to understand this amazing journey He has set for me, but I know it is only getting better and better. I know that when I am going through difficult times and I am scared and run down, I just need to have faith and trust. So my jog down memory lane today, as sad as some parts were, helped make me feel better in the end, and gave me strength to carry on.. . .

A dance. . .

A Friday night and I am in the bathroom with Abigayle --curling hair, applying lip gloss, dusting glitter and helping put on a beautiful dress. I stop to think "If this were a real date I'd be crying right now. . . ." To her it is a very big night, it is the father daughter dance and she wants to be beautiful.

We finish up and she is stunning, I feel tears welling in my eyes, but I don't cry. I tell her "Abigayle you are such a beautiful girl, you are going to have so much fun tonight!"

As her dad picks her up and off they drive I wonder how I will feel when she goes with a real boy, to a real dance and I am at home to miss her.

I want to say "Don't grow up, don't leave this house, don't leave my side" but as my wonderfully insightful grandma told me when Abigayle was just a baby and I would say the same thing -- you can't deny them the glorious life God has in store for them,you just give them the love, guidance and morals to be wonderful adults.

Thank you for that grandma, and Abigayle- I hope you made wonderful memories!

Already?????

So yesterday I come home from work and our 5 month old kitten , Francine, is howling like someone was killing her-- mmmrrrooooowwwww, mmmmmrrrroooowwww. . Was her hip hurt? did she fall? Because, certainly no normal kitten would be arching her little body in that manner, rear end twisted and pointed towards the stars. What on Earth was going on? I went to pick her up and she darted back and forth then more of the mmmmrrrooowwww, mmmmrrooowwww. "Francine! Are you okay????" Obliviously I realize she wasn't going to answer but I was concerned! I picked her up and she seemed fine, she didn't cry like she was in pain so we ignored it and figured she was just playing.

Then today, the same thing, only the howling was more fierce, almost guttural. And she was rubbing her rear end on EVERYTHING!! I did what any loving pet owner would do, I called the vet. So, uh yeah this little innocent kitten, she's in HEAT. Seriously???? She's just a baby!

So, to my little Francine~You, my friend, are on lock down!

Oh I love you~

How can you be in a bad mood when you have a four year old who's heart is full of compassion and love? Who is always , okay 95% of the time, happy.

Amelia Bedelia, or lovingly called Fionna Finklestien and sometimes Miel-Miel, is often my saving grace. She wakes me up with kisses, she hugs me from behind as I'm bent over pawing through the refrigerator looking for something to cook, she always comments approvingly on my attire, she notices the little things, like new washcloths and she is so very gentle with our family pets.

She has an unending imagination that allows for hours of independent play and will have you believing that there are three additional children in her bedroom with her at any given moment. She knows this guy Jack Swanson, who plays in a band and swims, he lost a leg and has a puppy-- you know him right?? Jack Swanson!

So thank you Amelia, for the hugs and kisses tonight-- Mommy needed them :)

Farewell 2009

2009. . . what another exciting year to say goodbye to, only to revisit in memory~

The year started with the girls and I being in Florida enjoying the warm weather, we went back two months later to re-visit that warm weather and that time to visit Disney with Derek and his family.

The year also saw Derek and I get married :)-- visit Las Vegas twice, once on our honeymoon and then again with two of my favorite peeps in the world, Me-Me and Mikey.

My babies turned 4 and 7 this year! Abigayle enjoyed her first root-canal compliments of candy and sugary drinks! Amelia was put on a lovely diet of Miralax for habitual constipation and has not had any problems since (trust me, this is a point worth noting as it was a big part of our year with a few emergency room visits).

We went fishing on a charter boat and caught LOTS of big fish, we raised a "capatatiller" from worm to beautiful Monarch, named her Teresa, and cried when we let her go (with the promise she'd come back in the spring to say "hello"), we added a beautiful new family member named Francine Von Fluffy Bottom who is a white Himalayan, I discovered my new love of Botox and Latisse, Derek and I were welcomed into an awesome small group, Amelia got her hair cut very short, the family went horseback riding, I went back to school and can not wait to be writing this next year and say I GRADUATED college!!!!!!

Our sewer pipes broke and we went two days with very frequent trips to Me-Me's and Mikeys --thanks guys, HOLLA!!! Amelia, at 4 years old weened herself of her nightly bubba and moved up to a sippy cup (hmmmmm. . . . .no comment!) We hosted our first family Christmas for the Ortiz side, Abigayle went to the WINGS program in the summer, I was asked to be on the school board and definetly accepted.

I was told this past year by my doctor that I am maternally mature and if I'm going to have more babies "get to it", Amelia moved up to a big-girl bed (that was a sad day), We enjoyed a summer with our new "blow-up" pool which helped Abigayle learn to swim underwater, and did I mention We got married???

What a great year! I'm sure I could write on and on but I won't, I'm just thankful for another year filled with wonderful memories and spending it with the most wonderful people on Earth and thanking God daily for it :)

Abigayle in the front seat

So, I don't think I'm violating any laws here as I've let my oldest daughter Abigayle ride to school in the front seat of my car the past week. The airbag turns off if the seat doesn't register enough weight and the seat belt adjusts to her height so with all the safety issues covered here goes~

It is has been an amazingly insightful week for me as I've enjoyed a co-pilot every morning. I think Abigayle has felt almost on par with me as she has sat cross legged sipping her morning "milk" and listening to NPR-- which eventually turned into a request for Hannah Montana.

I was informed on the first day that Miley doesn't really want to be Hannah any more because she's getting older now and Hannah is kind of for little kids.

The second day I was informed that certain toys are for babies and she doesn't really need to play with those anymore (She killed me with that one)-- I responded with "You know Abigayle, Mommy played with dolls and my little ponies and strawberry shortcakes until she was in 6th grade"-- a moment of silence-- "YOU DID????!!!!"

The third day I watched her rock out and when I say rock out, I mean ROCK OUT to Hannah Montana-- hair wiping around, window down, music blaring-- and I just smiled and enjoyed :)

Today I heard about hurt feelings and misunderstanding and I had to explain "life" in a soft mommy sort of way-- which was taken very well. . .

Thank you Abigayle for such an interesting week, I will treasure it forever :)